Faiz. 22. A homosexual. Used to be an introvert, but now slowly becoming an ambivert.

Goodbye 2013.

Here I am writing this post instead of celebrating New Year's Eve. Alone. In the room.
2014? I don't know why but I don't really feel the vibe. To me it's like a normal day. Except that I am unofficially turning 19.

2013...
This year has been a really really tough year for me. This is the year where my anxiety, depression and insecurity grow much stronger. Oh and also, the pressure of adapting myself into the college life. This year doesn't mean anything much to me.

February until June were the best months ever in this year. Those months were the month where I could just stay at home, play games, watch funny, interesting vlogs of my favourite YouTubers and you know just relax. I don't even have to worry about anything. And my anxiety, depression, and insecurity level is pretty low at that time.

But ever since I went into the college in July, my life has completely changed. I had to socialize with different people, had to deal with their attitudes. Not that I hate meeting new people, it's just that I suck in socializing and making new friends. People usually see me as a freak. Which explain why so many people hates me lol. Umm yeah, college life is absolutely hard for me. Assignments and stuff, really stressing me out.

The worst part ever in 2013 besides the college life was, my birthday. Yes as you know (or you probably don't), my birthday totally sucks. I feel so unappreciated. No celebration. Nothing. Lol just kidding, there's actually one and the only celebration was, watching The Hunger Games: Catching Fire with... myself. Yeah, MYSELF. Knowing that you have to celebrate it on your own and not with your friends or families or your loved ones (lol I don't even have one) makes me feel super sad like I might jump off from a building.
Yeah... that's how I celebrate my birthday.

So yeah, hopefully 2014 will be different than 2013...... will it be?

Errr.

Isn't it painful when you're so much, so madly in love with the person that you know will never ever in million years, gonna love you back.
Isn't it painful when you're so in love with the person who doesn't even know you.

IT IS PAINFUL.

Oh now I'm talking about 'Love'. Ewww sounds disgusting... and awkward.

Pathetic bitch.

Am I an attention whore?
I don't beg for any attention.
I don't even need them.
Is it wrong for me to feel like, humble?
Idk, my way of being humble is like, not trying to umm show off myself?

When people say that I am good at something, is it wrong for me to say, "No I'm not that good. I'm stupid actually. I'm so dumb."
Is it wrong for me to say that? To act like that?
Now I know why everyone hates me so much.
Because, they think that I am an attention whore... which is I am actually not.

Just imagine, if someone compliments you, and you say, "Oh thanks."
What would they think?
To me they would be like, "Oh now you're so proud of yourself."
I don't want people to think like that about me.
I hate it.
I'm not the kind of person who likes to show off what I am good at.

God I fucking hate myself.
I'm so confused.
People hates me when I'm trying to be nice.
I don't get this world.

Great now people hates me 'cause I'm such an annoying freak, attention whore and ugly.
If I was an attention whore, for sure I would tell everyone to read this blog.
Tell them, how depressed I am right now.
Tell them, to care for me.
But did I ever do that?
No.

Maybe I should disappear from everyone.
I don't wanna trust anybody.

I don't kn- whatever.
I'm such a pathetic bitch.

#Freak2k13

Freak.
I am a freak.
I don't wanna be a freak, I didn't choose to be a freak, I don't even wanna act like one.

But that's just who I am, no matter how much I tried to change myself, so that people won't judge me, won't see me as a freak, I failed, I can't, I don't know how to be normal.
People hate me so much, 'cause I am a freak.
A fucking freak.

Friends are disappearing, ignoring.
More people are hating... on me.
Can I kill myself? Like I don't wanna be a freak, I don't know how to change myself.
They see me, they laugh.
I am a joke to everyone.
My appearance, my attitude, my look, it's a funny subject to them.

I don't know... maybe... suicide is the only option?
I need to get out from this world.
I can't take it anymore.
I tried so hard to be normal, to fit in with them, but I just can't.

I don't know.
If only I was brave enough to end my life.

Anx-

Almost accurate...

Babi!

I don't know what is wrong with myself, my life. I'm so jealous with most of my friends. They went to the college but they still can enjoy their life despite of all the assignments and shit. And me? Well here I am, fuck my life, I am always the one with the bad luck. I don't even know how to enjoy my life anymore.

I'm sick of being depressed, anxious, sad, unhappy, ugly... ahh whatevs!
FUCK, maybe there will come this one day where I had to choose... to end my life.

The least special.

I am
The most stupid, dumb, idiot among my friends
The one that always got laugh by everyone
The one that people don't give a fuck about his non-existence
The one that people hates to be with
The most annoying
The ugliest

I am
The least important
The least special



Birthday

So, four days ago was my birthday (25th November). Yup, officially 18 yey. How was it? .......

Well it was so much fun, all my classmates did a 'surprise' thing for me, they sang a song, they even bought me a cake, which is delicious 'cause it's chocolate and it's from Secret Recipe hell yeah fucking delicious i tell you. Then after that, they brought me to Midvalley to have more fun, more celebration hell yeah we all together watch The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. Then i go back to my college, go to sleep and yeah it was a really tiring yet fun day, thanks guys i love you so much for celebrating my birthday.


JUST KIDDING. God i'm so bad at lying, the story's too fake LOL.

No celebration. No surprise. No gift. Not so many wishes i got (some of my old friends didn't even wish me, guess they already forgot who i am now, they probably didn't know that i exist). Birthday? Yeah rite, more like nothing day just like a normal day. I didn't even feel special at all... well I've never felt that actually.
Okay... so how was my birthday? Well, I woke up, go to the class. Few of my classmates wished me which is very kind of them to do that love you don't leave me kisses and hugs mmmuah. Then after class, i went to Midvalley, alone, to watch The Hunger Games: Catching Fire which is sooooo fucking good, been waiting for centuries to watch that movie, I've also read the book (just now finished Mockingjay Part 1). And after the movie, i went back to the college and go to sleep, end. Hahaha, what a fucking fun day! What a grand celebration it was!

Bye.

----

The truth is, no one undestands.

Aneh

Kenapa aku rasa macam aku benci dengan semua orang? Menyampah dengan semua orang? Kenapa aku rasa macam semua orang tak boleh nak terima siapa diri aku yang sebenar. Mungkin betul lah diorang rasa begitu, aku tak tahu. Perasaan ni semacam, perasaan ni pelik, perasaan ni aneh.

Aku dan 2013.

2013.

Tahun yang betul betul mengubah diri aku. Jadi lain daripada yang lain. Menjadi semakin negatif, semakin teruk, semakin pelik. Itu lah aku, budak yang bersikap 'pessimistic'. Yang selalu menganggap negatif almost over everything. Diorang kata aku dah berubah. Aku dah tak seceria dahulu. Aku dah tak se-positif dahulu. Betul. Aku tak nafikan. Aku memang dah berubah.

Tahun ni aku jadi semakin benci pada diri aku sendiri. Aku fikir, aku rasakan yang semua orang benci pada aku. Menyampah dengan aku. Itu yang aku rasakan, so, aku mula 'undur'kan diri aku daripada diorang. Aku mula memencilkan diri aku sendiri. Sebab, aku rasa tak ada orang nak berkawan dengan aku, nak terima diri aku. Takde siapa pun nak kisahkan pasal aku, ambil tahu pasal aku, ye betul aku sememangnya semakin dilupakan. Dipinggirkan. Bukti? Tengok lah blog ni sunyi dia macam mana. Haha,aku sememangnya semakin tidak wujud, semaking hilang dari semua orang.

Rupa aku pula? Hahaha, orang lain semua kata hodoh, apa pula aku kata? Well, bagi aku, rupa aku ni sememangnya hodoh pun. Lagi hodoh daripada segala benda yang paling hodoh kat dalam muka Bumi ni. Sememangnya aku lah yang terhodoh. Hodoh di antara yang terhodoh.

2013.

Tahun mental breakdown. Tahun paling sucks. Well, sebenarnya 2011 aku dah mula jadi macam ni. Sikit demi sedikit. Cuma tahun ni lah rasa negatif tu dah jadi tebal. Kuat. Kukuh. Entah bila semua ni akan berakhir...

Describing my feelings.

I'm stuck and trapped.
I can't get out.
I'm screaming.
Shouting.
For help.

Sadly, no one listen.
No one could even hear me.

There i sit, quietly.
Alone.
Crying.
Sobbing.
Silently.

Hoping for someone that could help me.
That could lead me away from this sadness.
Darkness.

Still hoping until now.
Still hoping.


P/S:
Well that's what i'm feeling right now. It's hard to be me.
When will my life gets better?
When will myself gets happier?
I don't know... is there any chance for that?
I don't think so.

Semester break!

Hey goiiiss! Yes, finally the moment that i've been waiting for, semester break! Finally i can relax for two weeks, without worrying about anything, assignments or whatsoever except the Semester 1's final exam result. Okay, final exam was... hard and stressful as fuck. Especially Accounts paper which was on 28 October (two days ago). I don't even know what have i done, what i have answered, just hoping for the best. Hopefully the result won't be too unacceptable? Or i'd might kill myself lol.

Okay so you know what will i do during this semester break? WoW of course, omg yes finally. I've been longing to play the games ahhh, oh did i tell you guys that i am back on WoW? LOL apparently i can't control myself, the urge to play the games so yeah i made a 'great' decision i think.

Kay that's all just ignore this post okay, i'm currently having a fever so my English is kinda terrible right now. Well my English is already terrible it's just now it's more terrible since my brain can't function well due to the omg kay enough stop bye.

xx

Payahnya hidup.

Hidup ini boleh tahan celaka juga kan? *senyum sinis*

Self, why are you so disgusting?

Well... my life is starting to get worst. Everyday is a torture. I got a bad result for my Marketing subject, obviously i'm an idiot. I failed almost in everything. I hate myself. Whenever i see someone else that is greater than me, way better than me, i'm like:
"Wow look at you, being happy and enjoying life."
"I mean wow look at you, you got great looks. I'm super fugly."
"Oh wow how come you can be so clever in everything. Why am i such an idiot?"
"Wow everyone likes you, everyone hates me. I'm so jealous with you."
"Well... i should die. No one likes me anyway, they didn't even know i exist in this world..."

I fucking hate myself. Everyone hates me, i know why... 'cause i'm freaking disgusting. Fugly, yes. Idiot, stupid, yes. Weird, yes. Freak, yes.
Die.
Idk what am i bullshit-ing about. Lol no one's gonna read this anyway bye.

Mixed feelings...

Well look at the time, it's 1.30AM and i'm actually taking a break from doing my assignment. Yes guys, yes Uni life is fucking hard. Had to sleep late, and wake up early in the morning, had to do loads and tons of assignments, presentation, dealing with the shitty group members (for group assignment). I don't know, how am i suppose to deal with all of this? How am i suppose to adapt the changes in my life right now?
You know i used to say, "School life is boring...", fuck that, i take those words back. No, school life is the best moment ever. Seriously, i miss all my classmates, having fun and going crazy with 'em, ahhh i miss all of that... except those annoying homeworks lol.

After i graduated from the high school, before going into the University, ahhh that is also one of the best time. February until June, that was the time when i am totally free from worrying about everything. The five months of heaven or i would describe it as 'WoW Months'. You know, just sit at home, playing World of Warcraft with one of my classmates, Aimi, doing quests, killing mobs, leveling my Warlock, just playing games and enjoying life without worrying anything. I can sleep late and wake up at anytime that i want. But now?! Shit, my life has completely changed! I thought going to the University is gonna be fun, but i was wrong. Hell no, it's not fun at all. Uni life is difficult as fuck... i can't... it's too difficult...

So yeah, i miss my school life. I miss my 'WoW Months'. (Elwynn Forest music playing in the background)
*sigh* Fuck my life, i'd rather die right now... bye... back to my assignments...

Me :)

The University Life

Hard. Hectic. Tiring. Loads of assignments. Task. Not enough sleep. Eyebag.
I still can't find and feel the 'fun' of it bye.

I am that person. That person is me.

I am that person who everyone hates to be with.
That person who got ignored by everyone.
I'm just me. Nothing special. I'm not like the others.
Handsome, good looking, beautiful, pretty, loved by everyone, whatsoever.
I'm just yeah, nothing.
Ugly, idiot, hated by everyone, indeed that is me.
I don't think people like me anyway.
I know. I can see it. I can feel it.
I don't know.
I just hate myself?
I am that person. That person is me.


It's okay then...

Well i didn't expect this to happen...

Aloha Sprinklerinos! (Louise's tagline tho)
Hello everyone, you guys remember tak i told you i'll be off to Kolej Professional MARA Indera Mahkota, Pahang this 3rd July, and i told you all the bits and bops of what i'm gonna do there, what's so special about it, what course i'm gonna take there and bla bla bla. Well, NOT ANYMORE. I should have update this long time ago but i was so lazy so i decided to umm tangguh? Yes, well, ummm okay, at 5th June, i went to Klinik Kesihatan Sungai Buloh to do some medical check ups for KPM. But balik je dari check up tu i received a message from Universiti Malaya, saying that my permohonan tu study there telah diluluskan. Well at first i was like WHOOAAAAA hold on hold on, WHAAAT?! Yes, i applied for Business Management dekat sana, just as a backup plan je. Tak tahu pulak boleh dapat. So i told my parents and they were like happy semua, and yes they told me to ambil UM instead of KPM. At first i was like in dilemma to choose whether to take English as Communication (KPM) or Business Management (UM) so i asked my friends, minta pendapat and they told me to prefer UM 'cause UM is the top 1 University in Malaysia and 33 in Asia ahaks.  So UM is more costly than KPM but my parents nak sangat so ikut je lah, lagipun dekat je, dekat KL so weekend senang balik hehe. Lagipun diorang kata nanti kalau dekat Pahang apa apa jadi susah sikit, and nak pergi sana kena spend money yang agak banyak so okay yes i chose UM over KPM. It's okay, i'll try my best untuk mencintai course Business hehe. Oh yeah, i'll be off to UM this 6th July which is this Saturday, if KPM esok dah pergi. So yeaay i'm so excited, i'm hoping for the best, wish me luck! ;)
Barang semua dah beli dah, now tinggal packing je. Oh yes, i'm gonna spend 2 years there instead of 3 years dekat KPM. So, much faster lah tempoh belajar weeee.

Boiii xx.

There you go, surat tawaran.


P/S: By the way, yes i do have geng dekat sana which is my own neighbours/friends since kecil, and they are Fatin and Asya. Yeaay, Fatin ambil Human Resource Management while Asya sama course dengan aku. Isn't it exciting?! Kenal dari kecik, sekolah sama, membesar bersama, belajar dekat Uni pun sama sama weee.

A little catch up.

Well, hello everyone. How are you doing? Fine, great? Okay, lovely. Well, i don't really know what kind of topic should i talk about 'cause there's nothing great much happened to me lately. Ummm, oh yeah, Insyaallah i'll be furthering my studies in KPM (Kolej Professional MARA) at Pahang. I know it's kinda far, but yeah better travel far for studies than nothing. Oh TESL? Forget about it, UPU didn't accept my permohonan and most of my friends also tak dapat jugak so i can say the odds aren't really in our favor. It's okay though, actually KPM ni just as a backup plan je, in case tak dapat UPU. But it turned up okay pulak, dapat course bagus. Okay, IPTS yep, mahal? Nope, not really, if you study hard. What do i mean by that? Well, masuk KPM ni pretty much boleh jimat duit, boleh tak jimat pun ada. First, diorang kinda tanggung kau tau, dapat biasiswa and stuff, plus elaun bulanan which is kinda okay. BUT, yep there must be the buts, rules and conditions you have to follow, since diorang dah tanggung engkau, kau kena dapat pointer cantik punya, if you don't, well bayar balik ah! Amboi, orang dah tanggung taknak belajar betul betul pulak. And, this is a really golden opportunity sebab tak ramai dapat, only a few yang lucky je dapat wee. So.. yeah, study hard, get good pointers, Insyaallah boleh further up to luar negara, well, for me, UK of course, i've always wanted to go to Europe. But from what i selalu perhatikan, most of DEC seniors, semua pergi New Zealand. Hmmm okay then, if dapat pergi New Zealand pun okay jugak, at least luar negara, at least kau merasa belajar di negeri orang. Umm yeah, since KPM only offer Diploma, Degree tu you have to ambil dekat IPTA biasa lah. I think it's okay lah kot. Oh yeah, forgot to tell you what course i'm gonna take, well i'm gonna take DEC or Diploma in English Communication. Well, i prefer this one than TESL. Why? Because to me, TESL is more to teaching, you know your chance to be a teacher tu besar tau, especially lelaki 'cause you know there aren't many male teachers out there so aku taknak lah pulak jadi cikgu one day, eventhough it's an honorable job. It's just really not my cup of tea. Umm DEC ni dia ada learn sikit IT in it, marketing, business and macam macam lagi lah so i think career path in taking DEC ni lagi luas kot. Most of my friends ada continue Form 6, ada yang masuk college but not under MARA, and yeah semua dah berpecah lah. Apa lagi haaa, yeah i did mohon dekat Universiti Malaya untuk ambil course Business (I don't want to but my mom forced me to -__-") and i think tak dapat kot, it's okay then. Umm, and my mom just now suruh buat rayuan for Politeknik pulak, dia kata maybe dapat course okay ke, okay i'm gonna buat rayuan, ikut je lah cakap dia. But IF, dapat course yang tak best, well memang aku tolak. I kinda hate my mom for not understanding me tau, dia kata if dapat Poli dekat, mudah lah sikit nak ambil/hantar ke apa. I was like what the fuck, what's the point of dapat tempat dekat tapi ambil course yang kau sendiri tak minat? Ugh. I really hope dapat KPM now. That's all guys.


P/S: Apart from depressing and all the self hating, i think i'm fine for now bye you don't really have to read this actually but yeah whatevs.

...

Let the pictures describe what i am feeling rite now.



I thank God for making me oblivious towards love.

Hello internet! Cewahh tiru ayat 'danisnotonfire' aka Dan Howell pulak hahaha. Okay look at my title. Today i'm gonna post about how thankful i am for being single right now. Why? Lemme tell you. First, jimat credit. Yes, you don't have to text and call and whatsoever every night every morning dusk dawn bla bla bla. Yeah, jimat credit gila gila. Top up RM10 boleh tahan sebulan kot, serious seronok. Nak check phone pun tak payah. Like lantak ah dengan phone tu kan haha. Second, kau rasa hidup kau ni relax sangat. Sebab kau boleh  have fun dengan sesiapa yang kau nak. Kalau ada Gf/Bf keluar dengan tu sikit, JEALOUS. Keluar dengan ni sikit, JEALOUS. See? Seronok kan? Like kau tak dicontrol oleh makhluk yang bernama gulpren/boipren. Third, ummmm bebas masalah. Konsep masalah yang aku nak perkatakan is, masalah macam merajuk, umm apa lagi haaa yang tu je lah aku tahu. Yep, merajuk. Takde siapa nak merajuk dengan kau, kau pun takde nak merajuk dengan sesiapa. (Err aku mmg bukan type suka merajuk merajuk ni pun. Bila nak buat mesti tak jadi LOL)

Btw, bila tengok older post rasa macam nak tergelak pun ada, sedih bagai lol. Now tak lah sedih mana, just biasa je kay dah dah bye.

P/S: Yep result SPM dah keluar dah, dapat 3A je. So i'm gonna take TESL. Wish me luck, doakan lah aku dapat TESL. Dah berangan dah ni nak jadi Journalist pastu travel luar negara semua, harap harap benda ini menjadi kenyataan, Insyaallah and amin :)

2013. Still nothing special so far.

Hello peeps. Omg lama gila aku dah tak post dekat sini kan. Dah 2013, dah lepas New Year, dah lepas kerja, pun still tak post apa apa jugak. Well, now i got free time to post, soooo here we go. Okay 2013. So far, nothing special. It's really a bad start actually. First, kawan semua dah kerja... So, disebabkan nak duit, aku join Bella kerja Popular. Mula mula, it was okay, the kerja was not that hard, first week sakit kaki, that's really normal. Then bila dah second week, semua jadi macam shit. Not gonna tell ya what it is, but serious macam shit. So bertahan kerja kat situ dalam sebulan je. Then ca alif but. Ummm, so here i am, menganggur menanam anggur. Ha ha ha ~
Duduk rumah tak buat apa pun, but seronok jugak lah sebab at least bahagia sebentar, dari gangguan emosi segala yang ada haha. Kawan kawan pulak semua dah busy, semua dah buat hal masing masing, soooo hilang ke-akrab-an tu. Rindu kawan actually. Semua dah pergi situ sana kan, susah nak menggila semua. Yep, bersendiriaaaan lah jawabnya.
Apa lagi nak cerita, yeaaaaah 21 March 2013. Result SPM keluar. Takut? Tak takut, takut, tak takut entah lah. Tunggu dan lihat. UPU dah isi, PLKN bulan 8. Err apa mengarut ni hmmm. That's all. Bye.