Faiz. 22. A homosexual. Used to be an introvert, but now slowly becoming an ambivert.


So, four days ago was my birthday (25th November). Yup, officially 18 yey. How was it? .......

Well it was so much fun, all my classmates did a 'surprise' thing for me, they sang a song, they even bought me a cake, which is delicious 'cause it's chocolate and it's from Secret Recipe hell yeah fucking delicious i tell you. Then after that, they brought me to Midvalley to have more fun, more celebration hell yeah we all together watch The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. Then i go back to my college, go to sleep and yeah it was a really tiring yet fun day, thanks guys i love you so much for celebrating my birthday.

JUST KIDDING. God i'm so bad at lying, the story's too fake LOL.

No celebration. No surprise. No gift. Not so many wishes i got (some of my old friends didn't even wish me, guess they already forgot who i am now, they probably didn't know that i exist). Birthday? Yeah rite, more like nothing day just like a normal day. I didn't even feel special at all... well I've never felt that actually.
Okay... so how was my birthday? Well, I woke up, go to the class. Few of my classmates wished me which is very kind of them to do that love you don't leave me kisses and hugs mmmuah. Then after class, i went to Midvalley, alone, to watch The Hunger Games: Catching Fire which is sooooo fucking good, been waiting for centuries to watch that movie, I've also read the book (just now finished Mockingjay Part 1). And after the movie, i went back to the college and go to sleep, end. Hahaha, what a fucking fun day! What a grand celebration it was!



The truth is, no one undestands.


Kenapa aku rasa macam aku benci dengan semua orang? Menyampah dengan semua orang? Kenapa aku rasa macam semua orang tak boleh nak terima siapa diri aku yang sebenar. Mungkin betul lah diorang rasa begitu, aku tak tahu. Perasaan ni semacam, perasaan ni pelik, perasaan ni aneh.

Aku dan 2013.


Tahun yang betul betul mengubah diri aku. Jadi lain daripada yang lain. Menjadi semakin negatif, semakin teruk, semakin pelik. Itu lah aku, budak yang bersikap 'pessimistic'. Yang selalu menganggap negatif almost over everything. Diorang kata aku dah berubah. Aku dah tak seceria dahulu. Aku dah tak se-positif dahulu. Betul. Aku tak nafikan. Aku memang dah berubah.

Tahun ni aku jadi semakin benci pada diri aku sendiri. Aku fikir, aku rasakan yang semua orang benci pada aku. Menyampah dengan aku. Itu yang aku rasakan, so, aku mula 'undur'kan diri aku daripada diorang. Aku mula memencilkan diri aku sendiri. Sebab, aku rasa tak ada orang nak berkawan dengan aku, nak terima diri aku. Takde siapa pun nak kisahkan pasal aku, ambil tahu pasal aku, ye betul aku sememangnya semakin dilupakan. Dipinggirkan. Bukti? Tengok lah blog ni sunyi dia macam mana. Haha,aku sememangnya semakin tidak wujud, semaking hilang dari semua orang.

Rupa aku pula? Hahaha, orang lain semua kata hodoh, apa pula aku kata? Well, bagi aku, rupa aku ni sememangnya hodoh pun. Lagi hodoh daripada segala benda yang paling hodoh kat dalam muka Bumi ni. Sememangnya aku lah yang terhodoh. Hodoh di antara yang terhodoh.


Tahun mental breakdown. Tahun paling sucks. Well, sebenarnya 2011 aku dah mula jadi macam ni. Sikit demi sedikit. Cuma tahun ni lah rasa negatif tu dah jadi tebal. Kuat. Kukuh. Entah bila semua ni akan berakhir...

Describing my feelings.

I'm stuck and trapped.
I can't get out.
I'm screaming.
For help.

Sadly, no one listen.
No one could even hear me.

There i sit, quietly.

Hoping for someone that could help me.
That could lead me away from this sadness.

Still hoping until now.
Still hoping.

Well that's what i'm feeling right now. It's hard to be me.
When will my life gets better?
When will myself gets happier?
I don't know... is there any chance for that?
I don't think so.