Faiz. 22. Used to be an introvert, but now slowly becoming ambivert.

Goodbye 2013.

Here I am writing this post instead of celebrating New Year's Eve. Alone. In the room.
2014? I don't know why but I don't really feel the vibe. To me it's like a normal day. Except that I am unofficially turning 19.

2013...
This year has been a really really tough year for me. This is the year where my anxiety, depression and insecurity grow much stronger. Oh and also, the pressure of adapting myself into the college life. This year doesn't mean anything much to me.

February until June were the best months ever in this year. Those months were the month where I could just stay at home, play games, watch funny, interesting vlogs of my favourite YouTubers and you know just relax. I don't even have to worry about anything. And my anxiety, depression, and insecurity level is pretty low at that time.

But ever since I went into the college in July, my life has completely changed. I had to socialize with different people, had to deal with their attitudes. Not that I hate meeting new people, it's just that I suck in socializing and making new friends. People usually see me as a freak. Which explain why so many people hates me lol. Umm yeah, college life is absolutely hard for me. Assignments and stuff, really stressing me out.

The worst part ever in 2013 besides the college life was, my birthday. Yes as you know (or you probably don't), my birthday totally sucks. I feel so unappreciated. No celebration. Nothing. Lol just kidding, there's actually one and the only celebration was, watching The Hunger Games: Catching Fire with... myself. Yeah, MYSELF. Knowing that you have to celebrate it on your own and not with your friends or families or your loved ones (lol I don't even have one) makes me feel super sad like I might jump off from a building.
Yeah... that's how I celebrate my birthday.

So yeah, hopefully 2014 will be different than 2013...... will it be?

Errr.

Isn't it painful when you're so much, so madly in love with the person that you know will never ever in million years, gonna love you back.
Isn't it painful when you're so in love with the person who doesn't even know you.

IT IS PAINFUL.

Oh now I'm talking about 'Love'. Ewww sounds disgusting... and awkward.

Pathetic bitch.

Am I an attention whore?
I don't beg for any attention.
I don't even need them.
Is it wrong for me to feel like, humble?
Idk, my way of being humble is like, not trying to umm show off myself?

When people say that I am good at something, is it wrong for me to say, "No I'm not that good. I'm stupid actually. I'm so dumb."
Is it wrong for me to say that? To act like that?
Now I know why everyone hates me so much.
Because, they think that I am an attention whore... which is I am actually not.

Just imagine, if someone compliments you, and you say, "Oh thanks."
What would they think?
To me they would be like, "Oh now you're so proud of yourself."
I don't want people to think like that about me.
I hate it.
I'm not the kind of person who likes to show off what I am good at.

God I fucking hate myself.
I'm so confused.
People hates me when I'm trying to be nice.
I don't get this world.

Great now people hates me 'cause I'm such an annoying freak, attention whore and ugly.
If I was an attention whore, for sure I would tell everyone to read this blog.
Tell them, how depressed I am right now.
Tell them, to care for me.
But did I ever do that?
No.

Maybe I should disappear from everyone.
I don't wanna trust anybody.

I don't kn- whatever.
I'm such a pathetic bitch.

#Freak2k13

Freak.
I am a freak.
I don't wanna be a freak, I didn't choose to be a freak, I don't even wanna act like one.

But that's just who I am, no matter how much I tried to change myself, so that people won't judge me, won't see me as a freak, I failed, I can't, I don't know how to be normal.
People hate me so much, 'cause I am a freak.
A fucking freak.

Friends are disappearing, ignoring.
More people are hating... on me.
Can I kill myself? Like I don't wanna be a freak, I don't know how to change myself.
They see me, they laugh.
I am a joke to everyone.
My appearance, my attitude, my look, it's a funny subject to them.

I don't know... maybe... suicide is the only option?
I need to get out from this world.
I can't take it anymore.
I tried so hard to be normal, to fit in with them, but I just can't.

I don't know.
If only I was brave enough to end my life.

Anx-

Almost accurate...

Babi!

I don't know what is wrong with myself, my life. I'm so jealous with most of my friends. They went to the college but they still can enjoy their life despite of all the assignments and shit. And me? Well here I am, fuck my life, I am always the one with the bad luck. I don't even know how to enjoy my life anymore.

I'm sick of being depressed, anxious, sad, unhappy, ugly... ahh whatevs!
FUCK, maybe there will come this one day where I had to choose... to end my life.

The least special.

I am
The most stupid, dumb, idiot among my friends
The one that always got laugh by everyone
The one that people don't give a fuck about his non-existence
The one that people hates to be with
The most annoying
The ugliest

I am
The least important
The least special