Faiz. 22. A homosexual. Used to be an introvert, but now slowly becoming an ambivert.

Relationship?

This post is gonna be one of my personal posts. Seriously. It's about my thoughts on relationship. Not that I'm not interested to be in a relationship, it's just I'm kinda interested but at the same time I feel like relationship is just a bullshit. Or maybe it's just because I've never had the opportunity to, umm actually know and understand what relationship is all about. To feel, to be involved in it.

In my whole life, I've never involved in any real, genuine relationship so... that just proves how pathetic and loser I am. Idk, like, pfff I'm about to turn 20 and I don't even know how and what relationship is supposed to be about. Seeing all those couples' pictures/tweets on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, makes me wonder... how does it feels like to be in a relationship? It got me wondered so deep like, what should I do as a boyfriend? What should I do to keep my partner stay in love with me? Loyalty, will my partner stay loyal to me? Is my partner gonna cheat on me? What should I do if I got cheated on? And many more...

Sure it does feels kinda lonely sometimes when you're not in a relationship but... umm idk it's just I don't think I'm gonna do well in a relationship like I'm soooo gonna be the worst boyfriend ever you could imagine. But umm yeah, I'm not like the other guys who feels like omg I've been single for years I need to be in a relationship now or I'll be single for life woops better start searching now. Nope, I kinda prefer to wait. I know I sound like a loser, but umm yeah I'd rather just wait and see what's gonna happen to me, I'm not the kind of guy who do the first move though. Simply put, I considered myself as an errr observer? Wallflower? Idk... but yeah the good thing is I'm free and I can do whatever I want without having to worry about controlling/be controlled by my partner.

Yeah, whatever, it's just my 4AM thoughts. xx

givn awp.

i'm done hoping. trying.
honestly, i'm so done with my life.
life is just too painful.
what's the point of living anymore?

bye.

2014's coming to an end.

Oh hello!
2014 is coming to the end. Do I look like I'm ready to be 20 (unofficially) and say goodbye to my teenage era? No. Am I ready to be a young adult? HELL FOKKING NO. Also, I really need to renew my IC, it's been 7 years man pffft AAND get my driving license 'cuz gurl even dak umo tujoblas pun dah pandai bawak kete k0 ni tak malu ke???

Okay, let me just give ya a 'lil bit catch up of myself. I'm currently taking a break from studying Negotiation Skills subject. Yes, final exam of the Fifth Semester starts on 30th December and I'm sooooo not ready for it. It's the second last semester! Eeeekkkk, I'm almost done with my Diploma in UM.

Oh I've quit from joining the Feseni for my college. Yup, no moahhhh dancing. Due to the stress of focusing whether on dancing or studying, I've came up with the decision to just, quit. So, I won't be joining any college activities anymore.

"What a lifeless student you are!"
I know... pretty pathetic isn't it? But mehhh dah nak habis belajar dah pun, tak lama dah nak berambus drpd sini so takpe lah. But the pros is, I can focus more on my study! Takde lah stress tak hafal step ke menari tak betul ke apa, at least my stress tu jadi stress on study je. Well ada je stress pasal benda lain but pls i'm sick of stress over my terrible dancing skills and the need to catch up or I'll fucked up on the stage.

College? Hmm I'm still considering whether to quit college or nah. Reason? The fee. Yes, it's really expensive and I kinda feel bad lah to my parents. So, quitting college is still dalam umm apa orang kata, still tengah decide lagi lah. Kena consider jugak, facilities dalam UM (for doing assignment especially) is sooooo much better drpd kat rumah for example, printing/photocopy. Yeah nak print report, slide semua murah kat sini. B&W 10¢ per page so that's really cheap lah rather than kat area rumah ni dalam berapa sen tah per page, mahal lah drpd UM. Kena decide betul betul lah whether to stay or nah. To stay, or to quit, that is the question.

So umm yeah 2014 will end in 6 days. Nothing much happened during this year. It was just another normal year for me, I didn't set any resolution this year. I don't think I achieved anything much. I just hope that 2015 will be a better year for me (IT BETTER BE!).

Arrite that's all. xx

UPDATE (15/03/15): My friends persuaded me to join Feseni back and yeah I did but I only join Tarian Tradisional, and I'll be performing/competing in 4th April which is around two weeks from now I know right WTF I'm so scared but I want all of this to end cepat so um yeah ok.

Want those.

Those models.
Be it on Tumblr or wherever, ohhh... an epitome of perfection.

Bright, flawless skin with perfect skin tone.
Skinny legs, prominent cheekbones.
Perfect teeth, beautiful eyes.
Soft, silky hair.

If only I was born with all of these.
I've always hated myself.
Why can't I have skin tone like those white people. White, pink-ish.
But no... I was born with dark-Asian skin tone.

My teeth, ain't perfect.
My hair, ain't soft and silky.
My legs, ain't skinny enough. 

There are more than that but... I'm just too tired to describe those.

Whatever. Night.
xx

Meragui kemampuan sendiri.

Salam. Salam Aidiladha. Yes, everyone's busy with their 'daging korban' and stuff, wearing baju melayu/baju kurung. And then there's me, laying on the bed lazily, shirtless and short pants, dengan tidak mandinya lagi, such a terrible person I am.

I don't know, seriously, I don't feel any raya vibe mehhh there's no more raya vibe to me anyway whatevs. But one thing is, I'm glad that it's holly molly holiday time plus mid semester break! So, I can chill for a week then back to UM and bish it's mid sem exam. WOT?! Nahhh I'll study later, when I'm in a good mood and not emo and shit.

So yeah imma post and tell ya a 'lil bit story about the progress of Fifth Semester in Universiti Malaya, which is the second last semester. I supposed to post this two days ago but I wasn't in a good mood so umm yeah here we go! Fifth Semester is kinda rough to me 'cause... okay let me tell ya, I'm a fucking senior now, not only to the junior of Diploma students, but also to the new members of Karya Kurshiah Dancer. I mean it's no big deal being a senior, but what bothers me (a lot, REALLY) is being a senior to the dancers. All my seniors (well not all, but some) yang atas me tu semua dah leave UM 'cause their time is up and they need to graduate. So there's only ONE senior left and he's on his last semester. I don't have trouble with senior perempuan, but senior lelaki, yes. I REALLY NEED THEM.

I was totally shocked when, Kak Nisa, my senior told me, "Faiz, nanti tolong ajar budak junior menari eh, Faiz dah senior sekarang.".
I was like whoaaaa hold on, whoa whoa wait what?!! WHADDAHAYL?! WHADDAEVENHECK?! I mean, bish I'm still a new dancer to KKD and now I have to teach the juniors? I, I don't think I am ready for disshit. Nuh uh, not at all. So, there you go, panic attack hit me like a big blue bus bam just like that and bam all this anxiety came to me. I was so afraid (still) if I can't teach them, if I flop semua omg ahhhhhh I need help. The other day, we were recruiting the new dancers. So, we kinda held a small gathering/meeting with the new dancers and tell them a little bit about Karya Kurshiah Dancer, then Feseni and some types of tarian semua. They seem interested, the amount of boys who came was also kinda okay lah. Yes, I had trouble talking to the boys 'cause you know I'm an awkward little duck. Okay after the meeting is done I was like pheww it's coming, the training session is coming omg what am I supposed to do? I still lack the dancing skills, how am I supposed to teach them. And, the most scary thing is, I AM THE ONLY SENIOR LELAKI yang akan join Feseni 2015. Yang lain semua junior, omagahhh I am so nervous as I don't know what's gonna happen. Will us be okay omg!!! Now, all those responsibilities fell on me, I am now a senior, I needa get muh shit togetha! Phew, I gotta try my best spread the ARTPOP vibe not ARTFLOP.

Other than that, yes that lonely feeling came back. Idk, it feels like berseorangan di UM. Pergi kelas, balik kelas, dalam bilik, seorang. Tak ada geng. I don't know how to make friends lah, I don't even know how I make friends last year. Kenapa this year macam susah sangat? I can be awkward sometimes but HEY once I am comfortable with you, I can be loud and annoying as fewk. Apa lagi eh... ah yes, this semester I feel lembik. Like I supposed to study hard kot, but bila buat assignment semua rasa lembik. I don't know why, but it feels like masa Form 5 dulu where I have that 'idgaf mood about studying' and feel so meh-meh. I need to stand up and start studying after this. Haih all I can do now is to stop being so pessimistic.

Alright mom's calling, gotta eat. Bye y'all.

Goodbye Fourth Semester.

Hey guys, Semester 4 telah pun berakhir! God, I can't believe that I only got two semesters left or less than a year, then I am done with my Diploma! I can't wait to graduate, but that also means that I gotta say goodbye to all the friends that I've known, my residential college, Universiti Malaya ahhh time flies so fast. So you know, I could say 4th Semester is errr semester yang agak difficult lah. I didn't mean it academically, but more to terms of trying to fit in with new friends, new roommates to be exact.

So second year ni, aku dah duduk dengan roommates baru. Kawan kawan semua dah tak ada, semua dah moved to rumah sewa. I was having a really really hard time to fit in, to be comfortable with my new roommates. The first day I checked into the college for second year, I was like, "Okay it's a new year, your final year, be happy with your new roommates, treat them right, be nice, be friendly with them!"

The first week, it's kinda awkward really, I mean I don't really know them much. It's TOTALLY different than first year. Masa first year, you gotta be friend with orang yang kau betul betul tak kenal. So dekat situ memang kita rasa macam nak approach tu senang lah, sebab kita tak kenal dia, dia pun takde gang lagi so nak taknak dia akan pilih untuk berkenalan dengan kita. Second year ni different, sebab kita dah memang kenal dia, cuma tak rapat je. This is where it becomes difficult, sebab kita nak KENA rapat dengan dia. Everyone dah ada gang masing masing so kita rasa macam agak awkward lah nak approach yang dah kenal dengan kita tapi tak rapat. Ahh you guys won't be able to understand this but yeah whatever.

So after the second week, I started to feel the difference of second year ni. To be honest, UM HAMBAR! Budak Degree cuti, junior ada lah but heyyy I tak kenal diorang sangat. So, after two weeks dekat kolej I started to feel lonely, empty, bored sebab after kau balik kelas kau balik sorang sorang, pergi kelas pun sorang sorang, so rasa macam Ya Allah lifeless nya, apa nak buat doh camni?! Ye lah, floor pun dah kena conquer dengan junior kan, diorang pun kau tak rapat so dengan siapa kau nak bersembang? Roommates? Eh wait, dengan roommates pun masih awkward lagi, so dengan siapa?!! Jawapannya, diam je lah. Pergi kelas, balik kelas, tidur, esok ulang benda sama. Memang rasa sangat bosan!

Dalam minggu ketiga, keempat, aku decide untuk ulang alik je daripada rumah. Memang penat, kau kena naik Bas RapidKL U88, ke UM, ambil masa dua jam or dua jam setengah kalau jam teruk plus kena gerak dua jam awal sebelum kelas, for example kelas pukul 1, pukul 11 tu dah kena tunggu bas dah. Kalau kelas pukul 9? Ye, subuh lagi kau pergi gerak tunggu bas dah. Penat memang penat tapi... duduk dekat rumah lebih seronok. Sampai satu masa aku dalam dilema tau nak quit kolej sebab aku rasa macam dah suka sangat duduk rumah. Tapi lama kelamaan, aku rasa macam nak duduk kolej pula sebab hambar semua ni sementara je. Budak Degree habis cuti nanti, UM akan ada balik lah segala aktiviti. Diorang masuk September ni which is masa aku Semester 5 lah! So, selepas fikir masak masak, aku decide nak stay je dekat kolej sehingga habis pengajian. Come to think of it, aku ni actually lucky sebab hanya TIGA ORANG sahaja senior lelaki yang bertuah dapat stay kolej. Three people out of all the others. Be grateful lah babe, bukan senang nak dapat stay kolej. Yang lain pun ada join jugak aktiviti but still unlucky.

Aku ada lah jugak balik kolej sometimes, tidur jugak kolej cuma dalam satu malam camtu lah then terus start tidur rumah balik. Tapi dua minggu terakhir ni aku memang stay kolej sebab aku rasa macam, "Faiz, you better stay kat kolej je lah. So what if kau rasa susah nak fit it dengan diorang, just fit the fuck in lah dude, you'll get through it okay!"

And yeah slowly aku dah rasa macam okay dah dengan diorang. Takpe lah slowly lah lama lama okay lah. So umm yeah, sem break for a week then I better get my ass ready for the 5th Semester 'cause I've seen the subjects I'll be taking. Ada Financial Accounting weh, AHHHH THE NIGHTMARE has come back! I never like Accounting. I never like anything that involve difficult calculation like goddamnit I fucking hate numbers, duit takpe lewls.

Arrite, that's all. See ya later.

xx

Took this right after the last paper yesterday.

Malaysia Mourns. Remembering MH17.



22th August 2014.

The day where all Malaysians share the same sadness, paying respect to the victims of MH17 tragedy.

Betapa pedihnya hati aku melihat keluarga mangsa mangsa MH17 menangis di saat ketibaan jenazah di airport. Aku yang tak terlibat dalam tragedi ni pun dah rasa sangat sebak, sangat pilu, apatah lagi mereka yang terpaksa menanggung keperitan ni. Ya Allah, kau berikan lah kekuatan kepada mereka untuk menempuhi satu dugaan yang besar dalam hidup mereka. Berikan lah mereka ketenangan, berikan lah mereka kesenangan untuk memahami dugaan ni.

Bersemadilah dengan aman dan tenang wahai mangsa mangsa MH17....
Al-Fatihah.

Semester baru bakal bermula....

Good morning. Hai.

Dua hari bulan Julai, menunjukkan yang cuti semester aku bakal berakhir dalam masa empat hari. Sedih. Tak sanggup nak hadap beban assignment semula, yang dah lama ditinggalkan selama satu bulan lebih. Kalau boleh taknak hadap dah sampai bila bila. Stress, pressure, dealing with assignments and the group members themselves. Ahhhh Semester 4 short sem lagi, ahhhhh sumpah benci gila.

"So, apa je jadi sepanjang cuti kau ni Faiz?"
Hmm not much, aku ada pergi Hari Sukan sekolah lama aku, kumpul semua alumni, reunite dengan kawan kawan lama, it was fun, not bad.

"Takkan tu je? How about your books?"
LOL, to be honest I didn't read those books sangat, The Diary of A Young Girl aku baca sikit, The Fault In Our Stars, pembalut plastik dia pun aku tak bukak lagi. Focus more on World of Warcraft then books lol.

Bila cuti dah nak habis ni aku spend less on games but more on anime, bukan buku ye, anime. WoW aku dah bosan sebab... entah rasa sunyi je main sorang, sebab tu layan anime, for now, aku marathon Fairy Tail daripada episod 1 sampai lah sekarang ni, episod 78, dalam masa empat hari lol. Mungkin aku terlampau bosan ber-imaginasi based on words. Aku rasa seronok bila layan anime ni, aku rasa macam aku lari daripada dunia realiti kejap, then masuk ke dunia yang penuh dengan magic or mahō dalam istilah bahasa Jepun nya. Pastu aku rasa macam dapat imagine benda benda camtu sebelum tidur. Rasa lebih seronok daripada emo sebelum tidur haha.

So umm yeah, basically cuti aku macam tu lah. IC pun tak renew lagi. Rambut dah panjang, kena trim ni.
Harini ini, Ramadan yang ke-3, mula Ahad ni, sambung Ramadan di kolej tersayang, Kolej Kediaman Tuanku Kurshiah, Universiti Malaya. Hmm bukak puasa dengan siapa, sahur pun entah dengan siapa, harap harap roommates baru aku nanti okay je.

*sigh*
Kenapa aku rasa malas sangat nak balik UM ni....

Break for a month.

Hello, jam menunjukkan 3.15 pagi and yes aku tak boleh nak tidur sekarang. Sepatutnya aku plan nak tidur pukul 12 lebih tadi, aku dah mandi air panas siap siap supaya nak tidur tu sedap je tapi dah cuba lelap kan mata, tak boleh pulak. So, aku on lah lappy, aku main World of Warcraft jap sebab rasa bosan tak boleh nak tidur. Aku tak tahu nak buat quest apa sebab Aimi tak boleh on untuk tolong aku, sebab esok dia nak balik PD dah, so aku try lah pergi Duskwood dengan Warlock (Level 32) aku, dengan harapan at least dapat lah rare item untuk Priest (Level 23) aku, and aku target nak dapat, Thunderwood. Satu jam aku cuba, hampeh. Log off.

Okay, tengok lah title, for sure lah post aku ni tentang semester break. Ye, semester break dah lama mula, ini hari ketiga, eh tak, hari keempat aku cuti sem. Cuti sebulan, cuti yang aku dah lama tunggu sejak awal semester dibuka lagi. Mana taknya, cuti Semester Dua lepas, tiga minggu tau, tapi aku cuti satu minggu je sebab lagi dua minggu aku dah korbankan untuk Feseni (which was great!). Buka je Semester Tiga, aku rasa tak puas sangat. Rasa menunggu sangat cuti sem haha. Anyway, Semester Tiga was hectic, chaotic and stressful as fuck. Short semester memang betul betul satu disaster tahu tak?! Walaupun dua subjek je which are Business Research and Management Information System, tapi assignments nya sangat lah membebankan kepala otak. Sampai aku tak tidur semata mata buat assignment, and then pergi kelas terus esok pagi tu. Ini baru Diploma, belum lagi Degree, Master, PhD. Pening kepala I uolls.

Setelah bertarung dengan segala kecelaruan di Semester Tiga, akhirnya tamat juga. Lepas habis je jawab paper Business Research which is the final paper after MIS, rasa macam lega sangat. Rasa macam kau dah tahan ketut daripada pagi sampai petang and akhirnya kau dapat lepaskan juga kentut tu, bahagia kan? Maka secara rasminya tamat sudah first year aku as Diploma student dekat Universiti Malaya. So, secara rasminya juga, tamat lah tempoh penginapan student Diploma di mana mana Kolej Kediaman diorang. But wait, no no no, belum tamat lagi bagi aku. Alhamdulillah, Feseni dah selamatkan aku. Disebabkan aku bergiat dalam Feseni, aku diberi peluang lagi untuk stay di Kolej Kediaman Ketiga, Tuanku Kurshiah sampai habis pengajian. Yes, dapat masuk Feseni 2015 which will be the last time for me to join it. Tapi, bagi kawan aku yang lain, kebanyakannya permohonan diorang ditolak sebab ada yang tak aktif langsung, and ada yang tak cukup aktif. Cuma ada tiga je student Diploma yang tawarannya diluluskan untuk stay di KK3. Lepas ni aku tak sure lah roommate baru aku siapa. Rasa awkward lah pulak bila dapat roommate baru nanti. Tapi aku rasa sedih juga lah dekat kawan kawan aku yang tak dapat stay kolej, lepas ni jumpa dekat kelas je lah. Takde siapa dah nak datang bilik aku pastu sembang sembang dengan aku nanti. And kemungkinan juga bilik aku akan ditukar nanti, daripada first floor mungkin naik ke second, third? Aku tak sure tapi yang penting floor atas semua budak Degree. Kalau dah satu floor dengan budak Degree memang for sure lah aku terperuk dalam bilik je. Sebab... awkward level sejuta rasanya nak bergaul dengan senior. Whatever... let’s see what’s gonna happen bila buka Semester Empat nanti. Oh shit, Semester Empat pun short sem jugak. Ahhhhhhhh apa ni!?

Apa plan aku cuti sem ni? Nope, jangan cakap pasal kerja, PLEASE LAH. Aku taknak kerja, sebab cuti ni aku dah lama tunggu, aku betul betul nak duduk rumah je and rehat and main WoW and baca buku yang dah aku belanja sakan pakai BB1M haritu. Plan aku hmmm... okay nak renew IC aku yang hodoh, yang gambar aku masih lagi Darjah Enam tu lol. Then main WoW and baca buku lah. Buku yang aku target nak baca dalam cuti sem ni is, “The Diary of a Young Girl” and “The Fault in Our Stars”. First book ni aku tengah baca, ia mengisahkan pasal Anne Frank yang hidup dalam zaman pemerintahan Hitler dengan undang undang anti-Yahudi dia tu. Second book pula, aku cuma boleh kata buku tu pasal love story, that’s all. Oh movie buku ni dah nak release dah, dalam bulan June juga lah. So umm yeah itu je lah aku buat dalam cuti sem ni, duduk rumah je. Ada lah keluar lepak sikit, but most of the time duduk rumah je.

Okay aku rasa aku nak pergi tidur sekarang, bye.

Cabut sekarang?

Kau datang cabutkan atau aku cabut sendiri?
Kalau kau cabutkan lebih mudah... mungkin?
Kalau aku cabut sendiri... penuh rasa ragu ragu pula.
Nampaknya aku terpaksa tunggu kau cabutkan lah.

Tunggu je lah kalau camtu.

Err.

Feels like I'm living with no purpose.
I don't even know what I'm gonna achieve in the future.
I don't even know why the hell I'm living in this world.
Why I'm still alive?

Zzzz...

Lend me a shoulder to cry on.
Please.
Oh hug me too.
Please.

Feseni Universiti Malaya 2014

Hai. Assalamualaikum.
Okay actually benda ni dah berlepas tiga hari yang lepas tau. Tapi sekarang ni baru ada idea nak post pasal topik ni. Okay, 29 and 30 Mac, aku baru je perform/compete untuk Feseni UM 2014 dalam kategori Tarian Tradisional and Tarian Kreatif. It was fun, agak nervous, I quite enjoy it. Aku ingat lagi, dulu aku pernah post pasal betapa stress and tension nya aku bila masuk menari ni (sekarang aku delete dah post tu). Aku tak pernah yakin dengan diri aku sendiri, aku tak pernah rasa motivated and optimisitic langsung bila training. Asyik down je bila tengok senior menari hebat. Yang kita ni practice bukan main susah, tapi menari masih macam cibai. Tapi akhirnya aku berjaya melepasi fasa tu jugak. So, Alhamdulillah, Tarian Tradisional dapat tempat ke-5 dan Tarian Kreatif dapat tempat ke-4. Tak sangka langsung at least dapat tempat, sebab aku menari memang tak expect pun nak menang. Masuk hanya untuk cari pengalaman. Happy jugak lah. Umm okay aku semakin ketandusan idea nak cakap apa lagi ni haa... hmm...

Oh ye, masa training tu banyak sangat ups and downs dia. Aku ingat lagi, bila kena marah dengan senior, kena marah dengan choreographer, rasa macam nak melalak kat situ jugak. Ada pernah sekali ni, aku tak mampu tahan sangat emosi aku bila kena marah dengan senior, aku cabut pergi toilet, pastu menangis dalam tu, agak lama jugak lah. Tapi segala teguran, segala marah tu lah yang menguatkan aku, memperbaiki skill tarian aku. So, it was the best experience ever. InsyaAllah kalau takde apa apa masalah, next year boleh kot try masuk lagi. Okbye.

Poster Feseni 2013/2014.

Selepas selesai rehearsal Tarian Tradisional.

Karya Kurshiah Dancers in action!

That's me, paling kiri sekali in the picture!

Us, performing Zapin Sebat.

Kostum untuk kategori Tarian Tradisional, kitorang perform
Zapin Sebat dan Tarian Asli Sarawak.

Us performing Tarian Gamelan.

Kostum kitorang untuk Tarian Gamelan bagi kategori Tarian Kreatif.

Here's the video.
Zapin Ros Kalas & Asli Sarawak
Tarian Gamelan

Salah aku sendiri.

Salah aku jugak.
Aku sendiri yang terlampau berharap.
Aku ni mudah sangat terjatuh, terpedaya, leka.
Sekarang semua itu hanyalah angan belaka.
Hopes are all gone.
It's fucking over.

Hoping.

Kau tahu tak betapa pedihnya bila kau berharap pada sesuatu benda yang kau sendiri tahu takkan terjadi? Tapi kau masih jugak berharap pada benda tu. Aku sendiri tak faham kenapa dengan diri aku ni, dah tahu benda tu memang takkan ada chance nak jadi, pahal kau masih nak berharap jugak? Bodoh ah.

Aku tak tahu...

Aku rasa kosong.
Aku rasa nak menangis... tapi tak rasa nak menangis.
Aku rasa sedih... tapi tak lah sedih teruk.

Aku rasa kosong.
Aku sendiri tak tahu apa perasaan ini.
Aku tak tahu.

Final.

Hai.

Ye sekarang ni aku tengah serabut kepala otak memikirkan final exam untuk Second Semester ni. Kejap je dah nak habis sem dah. 4 Mac, first day final exam. Dah dekat dah ni. Ada aku study? Sikit.

Dalam sibuk aku nak final ni, ada benda lain juga yang aku kena fikir. Feseni UM, yang aku rasa akan bermula pada 21 Mac nanti. Aku ambil part dalam tarian tradisional/asli dan juga kreatif. Nak fikir training lagi. Nak fikir step lagi. Bagi sharp, smooth, cantik segala bagai. Tapi yang penting aku akan perform pada 29/30 Mac. Cuti sem aku pula mula 17 Mac. Kau rasa aku ada balik rumah tak? Ye memang tak. Aku stay lama sikit dekat Kolej Kurshiah kesayangan ni. Okay... penat. Susah. Stress. Serabut.

Bila dah nak final, macam macam bullshit kau akan jumpa.
"Kau dah study ke belum?"
"Kau study sampai mana dah?"
"Kau baru study sampai situ?!"
"Lah susah sangat ke chapter tu? Bagi aku senang je."
Ini semua poyo. Poyo ikan bilis. Kerek macam anjing! Berlagak macam babi. Apa kaitannya semua binatang ni dengan apa yang aku cuba sampaikan? Haha, entah. Yang penting, segala bullshit aku dapat ni memang buat aku rasa macam pantat. Deria nak membunuh orang pun rasa kuat pula tiba tiba.

Aku tak suka dipandang rendah. Aku paling benci kena macam tu. Ye memang tak dapat dinafikan aku ni pemalas sangat nak study, revision apa semua. Tapi tak bermakna aku bodoh. Dan tak bermakna aku berlagak pandai bila aku cakap aku ni tak bodoh. Aku just nak kata, bodoh pandai aku ni kau judge selepas aku dapat result nanti lah. Dekat situ baru waktu sesuai kau nak judge aku. Ada faham tak pukimak? Bagus.

Okay sudah sudah lah tu aku meroyan.
Babai.

P/S: Aku baru balik dari Kompleks Perdanasiswa or KPS lah senang cerita. Gila penat. Sebab? Tadi ada PC Fair dekat sana. Aku pergi. Beli 'Cooler Pad, 5 Fan' berharga RM50. Dia test dulu, function. Aku pun seronok. Balik kolej, test dekat laptop aku pula. Tak function. Memang pantat. Patah balik ke KPS, tukar. Pastu balik semula ke kolej. Test dekat lappy lagi, okay this time betul betul function. Kay that's all. Yang penting sekarang aku penat dan kaki aku rasa macam nak tercabut sebab jalan kaki ulang alik dari kolej ke KPS.

Jackson and Finnegan Harries.

My life is terrible. My life sucks compared to others. My life is boring. My life is becoming meaningless.

So, I watched the last episode of Rickshaw Run on YouTube channel, Jacksgap last night. It was fun. A bit emotional. But what makes me more sad is... looking at Jack and Finn and their friends enjoying their life. Jack and Finn is like 21 okay? And still they could travel anywhere and do anything they want. They went to India recently for some kind of charity event.
Yeah for sure I would feel jealous looking at them. My life is nothing and pathetic compared to them. I adore them so much. Why? Because of their life lah.

Let me tell you how awesome they are.
First, they are rich as fuck. Which explains why their life is so awesome 'cause dayyuum they could do and buy anything they want.
Second, their appearance. No doubt that they are handsome, very good looking, very charismatic, very confident of theirself. And the way they dress is just absolutely stunning.
Third, they love travelling and they don't have any problem to do that... 'cause daaa they have money okay.
Lastly, they are adored by everyone. Not that I want everyone to like me, it's just the amount of people that hates me is higher than those who likes me. *sigh*

So yeah, how about me?
I'm not rich. I'm ugly (my face is full of 'arts'). I can't even look good. I'm pathetic. I have low self-confidence. I'm not charismatic. I'm a coward, loser, I can't even fight for myself. I can't travel anywhere I want 'cause... *sigh* you already know why. Basically my life totally sucks, that's it.

Oh Jack and Finn, how's it feels like to be like you guys? It must be awesome right? *long sigh* I could never ever be like you guys.

I wonder why God made me? If he wants me to be like this, why don't He just killed me earlier. Just end my life already, I don't wanna live in this world anymore. I'd kill myself if I would...

Kay that's all, I have to do my assignments now ha ha see? I have to sacrifice my life by studying in course that I don't even like 'cause my parents forced me to. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to find any good job and I'll end up being poor as hell. Why am I telling you this omg, I'm such an attention whore ha ha ha nahh don't worry no one's gonna read my blog anyway lol. Whatevs I should stop... I'm getting emotional right now ha ha bye.


Sigh...

This life is starting to be more and more meaningless.
It's so meaningless that I could die from it.